Recently I deleted my facebook account, and instagram account. I had been debating quitting social media on and off for a long time. There was always an excuse not to quite. Typical addict.
and I was addicted. I’m embarrassed to admit how many hours (days, months?) I’ve wasted, mindlessly scrolling down my newsfeeds.
My main excuse was that family that lived far away wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with me. Or rather, they wouldn't see pictures and videos of my kids. Apparently I forgot there is still phone, email, and skype in this day and age! (However snooping does not qualify as “keeping in touch”)
Facebook had become such a daily part of my life, that I rarely realized how often I used it, or thought about it, until I went cold-turkey. Nursing my 13 month old, I would normally have my phone out. Now I was forced to sit there either watching whatever my 3 year old was watching on TV, or sit with my own thoughts (gasp!). Cooking dinner, same thing. Rather than scrolling the newsfeed while waiting for water to boil, I had to either read, or sit with my thoughts. It was a rude awakening when I realized that suddenly I had these little urges to grab my phone and browse facebook. I would recognize the urge, and have to think of 'what do I do now?' Sometimes I had no idea and would just sit there with myself until I actually HAD to do something productive.
I used to say it was my only way of keeping in touch with people, but most of the time I was snooping other people's pictures, or snooping old high school peers (wondering who had a baby, got married, got fat). When I was on facebook I was a mindless, jealous, judgmental zombie. My ego loved it. I could sit in my own home and without anyone knowing, silently become a “mean girl”. Or I could post pictures of how “great” my kids were, how “great” dinner was, or how “great” I was doing. My ego justified that as: “I’m putting something positive on facebook rather than just posting some whiny status, so that's okay”. But it was really bait for getting people to comment, or “like” my stuff.
So while the kids were running around me, screaming, crying, asking for a drink, and throwing tupperware on the floor when I was making dinner (sweating, yelling, and wishing I had a glass of wine), at least to the facebook world it appeared I had my shit together, and my life was rainbows and ice cream. I would post my status update/picture and while chaos ensued around me, someone would “like” my post and I felt validated.
I felt validated.
So regardless of whether or not I posted a whiny status update, or a segment from the “highlight” reel, both were a way of boosting my ego.
I hate to admit it, but a lot of the time it was an escape too. I can't tell you how many times I yelled “mommy’s busy! Just give me two minutes to myself here!” But really I was just mind-numbingly browsing facebook wishing I was living everyone else's life.
I felt depressed, inadequate, and just overall shity.
When I deleted my account, I often found myself reaching for my phone only to realize, 'I don't have facebook anymore!'
Or would think to myself, ‘I should take a video/picture of this and post it.’ Or think of a funny status update that would be sure to get likes. Not only was I using it too much, I was literally THINKING about it too! How sad is that?
But it got to a point where I said to myself, “why?!”
Why am I posting this? Do family and friends need to see me, or talk to me every single day, multiple times a day? Why am I so interested in everyone else's life? They must have problems too! In fact I know many do, because some of them whine about it on facebook (and isn’t it fucking annoying?!)
I was forced to really feel my feelings. Really digest my thoughts. I couldn't just post it, and forget about it anymore. I had to sit with myself. And it sounds silly, but it was kind of scary. Probably because there was no escape now. My ego said, “you're stuck with me now!”
I really had to face myself. That’s all that was left.
The fact is, I have my own life. I have my own family. They are sitting here right in front of me, and before you know it, I’ll be in my hospital bed with them surrounding me. My kids with their own families. What will I be thinking when I’m there?
“I should update my facebook status one more time!”
Or, “I should post one last selfie with make-up on, so everyone knows I died looking glamorous!”
Probably not.
I imagine I would be thinking about my family, and how I spent my time here on earth.
“Did I have meaningful conversations with my family and friends? Was I there enough for my kids? Did I get to do what I love? Did my husband and I spend enough time together?”
Probably.
I really don't want to look back and think, “man, I spent way too much time looking at my phone, and not enough time looking at the beautiful REAL life I have in front of me!”
I’ve probably spent 5 years addicted to facebook, and that is more than enough. It’s time to look up, and start living!
